Simple logic tells you that hangover cures do not work. If they did—if a milk thistle pill or electrolyte fizzy tab or activated charcoal nano-spray actually made you feel less hungover—said pill/tab/nano-spray would change the world as we know it. Martin Shkreli would be trying to hijack the patent from jail. They’d replace Presidents’ Day with Hangover Inventor Person Day. Media jobs could start at 9am.
But, no. The best and only cure, unfortunately, is moderation. And by now that ship has sailed and is at least three sheets to the wind. People will tell you that you should have a pint of water for every pint of beer. I’m sure this works, but I’d rather stay in than carry around a pint of beer in my left and a pint of water in my right. People will also say working out first thing in the mornings helps. Even walking by an Equinox makes my stomach gurgle.
I’ve found that the simplest way to reduce the discomfort of a hangover isn’t a magic chemical reaction, but a physical one: the cold, or specifically, a cooling eye mask. And that’s why the TheraPearl’s Eye-ssential mask is so effective: keep it in your freezer and anytime you wake up regretting literally everything, simply strap it around your eyes and numb your brain until it stops crying for help. As an added bonus, it’ll de-puff your swelling eyelids more effectively than any cream—though grabbing one of those will help too. And as an added bonus, it helps alleviate itchy eyes caused by seasonal allergies, and when it’s swelteringly hot outside, it’ll help you stay cool even without the AC on.
Cold may not be the most innovative hangover cure, but it’s the most reliable—deaden the pain, and then use your 30 minutes of semi-clarity to get yourself out of the house and into a coffee shop (or a gym if you’re the ambitious type). The TheraPearl has several critical advantages over leftover freezer packs from your last Blue Apron order: It straps around your face, so you don’t have to hold it on your head. This leaves you free to walk around with it, which I’ve done, blinded by a plastic pouch of blue orbs, pawing at the food in my refrigerator until my hand finds the Gatorade. (If you want the same face-numbing affect without compromising your sight, or if you want to try out for Lucha Libre, you can spring for the full face mask.) The orbs also do a nice job of evenly filling the weird crevices of your face, which expedites the numbing process. (And if you’re looking for targeted heating, the eye mask can do that too; Just stick it in the microwave for 15 seconds and bask in its warm glow.) TheraPearl recently updated its gel beads so that they change color to let you know when they’re at the right temperature: purple for cold and white for hot. And unlike a bag of peas, they won’t freeze and harden into a solid block of ice.
Let’s be clear: this ice pack mask will not take your Level-8 hangover to a Level-0, but it will take a hangover from a 4 (“I’m telling my boss my shower exploded so I can come in at 11:30”) to a 2 (“I’m telling my boss the plumber has to come check on my faucet so I can come in at 10:15”). When I meet my friends for lunch the next day and look 30% less shitty, they typically inquire, and usually always end up springing for their own (or, if you’re like me, two to switch in and out from the freezer). It’s a movement, people. Get on board.